Breaking up? Or Being dragged?

     For me, I personally felt being dragged. Imagine in my life until now, for the women I love most, I had to go through steps like that. The one I love most, is the one that I had to go through most. I never blame them. I always believe, even if they wanted to drag me and I don't let them to drag me... They CAN'T drag me. Hence it's never their fault.

     I had been so busy lately that I don't even had enough sleep nor enough time to sit down and think of my things. That is why I had not updated my blog until now, when things happen. What happen? The things that happen is the things that would affect the existence of this blog or at least the title of this blog.

     I know how or what she had to go through. I know the infinite sleepless nights that she had to go through. I know how much tears she had to shed. If there's someone who understand her better, that is me. But if there's someone who really understand me, all I want is to give my darling a happy life. If I'm the cause of unhappiness, then I had to eliminate the cause. It's never easy. But I still have to.

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Hoobastank - The Reason

     This is definitely one of the few songs I'm gonna shed my tears when I listen to it. This blog may be alive or may not be. Till then folks...

     I had been so busy with my work lately until I'm so tired of it. I felt so many responsibility with me that I almost collapse. But I tell myself, with all these, I'm able to prove my existance to everyone in my company, I can prove I'm someone capable of taking responsibilities, I can prove that I can be promoted, hehehe.
    And today, I had met with an accident, although no injury for both party, I still have to spent a bomb of $$ on the dented place and re-spray of the car. Arghh... After all these, I thought of my darling. Just 1 of her comforting call, everything start to ease down. I felt relax. I miss her. I wish I could see her. I wish I could hug her. I wish she would be just by my side. I miss you darling. I miss your naive & childish smile, I miss the look on your face that makes me feel this world is great even if I had gone through 1 day of hell. I love you, my dear.

     I hadn't been updating my blog lately because had been busy for a few days. I had been busying with activities in the company. Sometimes doesn't even have time to go for break. I am trying my best to show the best of me, hoping this would one day help me in the criteria of promotion.
     No matter how busy i was, I still have time to stop for a while, thinking of how has my darling been. I miss her every now and then. I want to see her so much. But I didn't want to stop her for going for her community service this Sat even though she promise me earlier for a movie. I'm not angry. Instead, I am happy for her. At least she could have to chance to go out socialise and got to know more people or just stay at home feeling tired and sleepy at the time. I miss you darling.

   My darling is going for another 3 days training again. I can feel that her love for me is getting more and more because now she will understand my worried for her. She will inform me even though her 3 days training is so sudden. And of course, this makes me love her more and more too. Coz I can felt the importance of my existance to her. I love you darling.
   As for my work, lately I have been trying to learn more task which normally handle by the Line Manager. Although I'm not the only 1 that learn all these, but I try to learn as many as I can, so that if 1 day i got the chance for promotion, I will have some advantages. I am and will strive hard. Just hope that 1 day if she's still with me, I'm able to give her (my darling) some comfortable life and home. So I will get a comfortable home from her companionship too.. Hehehe. =)

     I made my darling angry on Sat nite. Erm.. I'm sorry darling. I could understand her feeling, coz she used to treat me so too. That is why I tried to call her back as soon as I'm convinient to. But I know I still should apologise.
     I, myself is still puzzled. Eventhough I know she would leave me one day and break me heart one day, why would I still be here. I guess, maybe I just can't control my feelings for her, eventhough it has to break my heart. This is the first time in my life, that I can't predict my future path or plan for my future. I'm just lost when I come to her. Only she who is the one I love most, would be the one that makes me felt lost. I think everyone or anyone at all would just lost their rationale when they come to the one they love so much.

     On Monday, when we thought our Line Manager is back from her MC, our day would be easier. But it get worse. The management wanted us to go more hours (means less time for break) and increase our productivity (means do more work in lesser time). Our day was shattered. First time I had seen my Line Manager so down. She, herself don't feel it's fair to us.

    On Tuesday, surprisingly our Line Manager came back to us with a big and confident smile. She had us in a meeting. She told us, she had a bad day and she went home, talked to her husband and things get to her clearer. She said, if we could do whatever the management wanted us to do, that means we are good. And she told us she has talked to the Manager, if we are able to hit it this time, she wanted us to get 1 point higher than the rest of the team for our year end appraisal. The Manager agreed. Hence we are able to go back to work with full confident and energy.

    I got the chance 1 day to sit down and talked to my Line Manager. I told her, she had a real good husband, who is always there for her to confront when she has her bad or down time. She then told me, her husband would always waited her to reach home from work even if it's 2am, just to know how's her day. And she too will always there to talk to her husband when he met with difficulties.
   
   I somehow felt envious about my Line Manager. I guess this is the kind of marriage that would bring 2 people through their lifetime. I guess this is how or when 2 people will know they are ready to spend their life together. I thought of my darling then, I somehow felt, she would be the one for me to make my world feel right again when everything turn wrong. This may be my own wishful thinking, but this may also be the one believe that I hold firmly to, which kept me standing by her side all this while.
  
   I don't know whether she will be the one that I will spend my life with, but I know she will be the one that I WANT to spend my life with.

   Lately, I found that I can't really express myself much. I tried to put in blog in words of what I felt and think, but somehow these few days I felt that I lose my words. I'm still trying to get hold of my words and momentum...

     Is it when you love someone, you will get extremely anxious about their whereabout and their well-being? For me, I think I will. Even if I know she will be alright, but my heart will be thinking how is she doing. I guess it's because I never even want my love one to get even a little bit hurt. Her pain is my pain, her comfort is my comfort. I miss you darling.

     Great that my manager is back from hospital and to work. But things didn't get easier. The management somehow add more task to us and burdenise even more of our job. One thing happy for me is, I got the be a trainer. I will be training my colleague on the process I was doing. That's gonna be fun, but hard.
     Erm... Felt so guilty for not being able to fetch my darling to her training. I know she must had suffered quite a bit. I can't bear to see her suffer. I spent the whole night trying to help her find some information bout her project... but somehow... I'm just to noob in searching websites... I'm sorry darling.
     I pray for her safety during her time going for training. Love her. Miss her.

     My darling has gone for training. I was wondering whether she's fine when she had to wake up very early in the morning to take a bus and then a train to her place. Eventhough I know she will be fine, but I just can't get myself out from thinking of her safety all the time.
     It's amazing how I would be so worried about someone's safety so much, whom 1 year back was a total stranger to me. I tried not to get worried by thinking that she used to take good care of herself even before we had met and I shouldn't have worry, but it failed, I always got worried about my darling.
     I guess that's called power of love. I'm off to work now... BlueZzzzzz...